Well I have been thinking about this for some time now, and I've decided to let ya'll in.
If you're following my facebook, or even this blog, you can all see the amazing outpouring of love, life, spirituality and religion of many facets that are so wonderfully urging and praying us through this crazy journey. Now most of you who know me personally know that i don't go to any church regularly, I never have, but you see I've never had any problem with this, because I have always had the insight to be able to look at this beautiful world and all the wonderful, colorful, spiritual people and know, without a seconds doubt that I am not the one in charge here. The day I gave birth to Gus, looked into his beautiful face I absolutely knew he was the most amazing gift, and he was given to me and Jamie. Then 9 years later came our sweet Hopper, once again no proof needed that I was on the receiving end, of some pretty fine blessings in my life!
So the reason for posting this particular blog entry, is just to let anyone who might be curious about where I stand know.
The other morning, I got up early, and decided that I needed to talk to my maker, about this path I'm on. You see I talk regularly to anyone who will listen and luckily we get to talk quite often. I pretty much said that while I knew I was very blessed to have Jamie, Gus, and Hopper in my life, I am just not ready to let hem or anybody else in it go at the moment. I can appreciate the seriousness of this disease but I just wanted to make it clear that I have way too much to live for, and I am not going to check out any time soon. I have so many things I'm still going to do with all 3 of my boys. I want us all to go to Belgium in the summer, I want to take Gus back to NYC, and even take Hop there when he's about 6 or 7. I've been eyeing this really cool teardrop shaped pull behind camper, that would be great to go camping across the states in. I mean those are just a few things. Gus is so smart, and I can totally see him as an archaeologist or scientist of some sort. Creative, handsome, and smart! Trifecta!!
I'm pretty sure Hopper will be into music, because he's a guitar man, but he also has a strong attachment to anything with wheel, very much like his daddy on that one. There will be sports games, recitals, dirt-bike races, sleepovers, pizza nights, and just the general lovely daily things that families do. And well I'm not giving any of that up. Maybe some of you might find it selfish for me to argue on my behalf, but I just don't give up, I never have. I mean seriously with a life like mine why would anyone even entertain the thought!
I am positive and will remain so. I will not entertain any negative thoughts, from myself or any of you. Please believe what ever you like, and please feel free to send love thoughts, prayers, chants, mantras, poems, in what ever forms you choose, because, I can honestly say that a diverse spiritual world is what we live in and I know that all these powerful emotions coming together to work for one good, is not gonna offend me or my maker one bit!
OH yeah, tomorrow morning we talk to Dr. Tian my oncologist about the PET/CT results for any other stuff floating around in here. I did tell Jamie, that we are probably gonna be doing the two-step a while, but that's OK, my attitude isn't gonna change, and often when there is a real challenge, you have to back-up before you go forward.
SO maybe this will help some of you understand where we're coming from at least a little.
Just rememeber...Everyone needs a little Bon Courage now and then.
We'll talk tomorrow!!!